Why Founders Should Care More about Being Curious than Right
Photo by Andrew Umansky on Unsplash
The second of 15 conscious commitments, curiosity is all about staying in the present
The conscious commitment to take 100% responsibility was a real game changer for me as a CEO because, as I wrote last week, it helped me separate fact from fiction. But my biggest frustration as a CEO has always been when I felt I was being misunderstood, often by my board, but also with members of my team and others.
I am like a lot of founders. I was a visionary and would get out ahead of the company with my big ideas. And because I thought faster than most people and could connect the dots faster than they could, I would get way way out ahead of people. And I was in too big of a hurry to slow down and resented having other people either tell me to slow down or bombard me with questions that seemed to miss the whole point.
This frustrated me and took me below the line, which meant I was no longer present in the conversation but had drifted. Drifting out of presence refers to the many ways we disengage from things that trigger us. Conscious leadership has put together a useful drift list of such behaviors. My particular choice of drift tends to be excessive approval seeking. In the case of disagreements, an approval seeker will throw himself into going around the room and making sure each and every person really, really understands what I’m saying and why it’s brilliant!
But what if, instead of trying to show everyone that I was right, I accepted their viewpoints and became curious to learn more from them? Perhaps in the speed of my thinking I overlooked something obvious to someone else?
I know a founder who is struggling with a customer who doesn’t seem to be playing ball, so to speak, and has locked up emotionally with the customer. Another founder I know reacts to tensions by burying herself in emails and micro-tasks that she can check off and that don’t argue back. Still another dismisses employee feedback with the cliche, “I don’t have time for this!”
In general, we all want approval, control and/or security and, when any or all of these seem threatened, we can seek to shut out or mitigate the threat. In whatever form it takes, however, the phenomenon of drifting is not a productive way to cope with push-back, disagreement, non-alignment or whatever you want to call the triggers and threats we all face every day. The important thing is to recognize when you have drifted below the line and have chosen to be “right” instead of “curious,” and then self-correct to regain your presence.
Here is an idea for doing this offered by conscious leadership.
A wonder(ful) idea
Many of the items from the drift list, such as “exercising” or “making a list” aren’t bad in themselves, but they can function as drifting when they take you out of presence at a time when you need to be 100 percent present and accounted for. The first thing to do is recognize what your preferred method(s) of drifting tend to be, and watch for them. Here's a list of common drift techniques that can help you start your list.
I suggest writing them down on a little Post-It note on your monitor so that the next time you’re on a Zoom call, for example, you will be aware when you are triggered and begin to drift. When this happens to me, I let the person I’m talking with know I’ve drifted and need a moment to get my head back in the present.
One of the best re-presenting techniques is to take a few deep breaths and then pose a “wonder question.” This is a way of reframing any disagreement or edginess as a question of mutual interest and moment.
Here are some examples of wonder questions you might ask yourself or even say out loud to others with whom you’re talking:
“I wonder what I/we can learn here?”
“I wonder what I/we might do to fix this?”
“I wonder what I/we might do to take responsibility for this?”
“I wonder what I’d think if I didn’t feel the need to control the situation?
“I wonder how I’d feel if I put myself in your or someone else’s shoes?”
In addition to posting my drift points, I post the words “I wonder” on a Post-It as well. When combined with my old favorite, a few deep, cleansing and focusing breaths, this kind of wondering out loud is my go-to method for getting back above the line where we can enjoy the deeper satisfaction of genuinely exploring something new or making something old feel new — all without the deadening effects of drama.
The key point here is that it’s okay to be triggered and fall below the line as long as we recognize and acknowledge the process for what it is. Only then can we take the next step of shifting from a defensive posture of being “right” to a safe mindset of being open to “curiosity.” Once we have taken this step, we find ourselves once again present in the moment, free to create, debate and make decisions from a state of openness and creativity.
Let me know how you and your team stay above the line and cultivate your curiosity.
Sincerely,
Rob Craven, scalepassion
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All credit to my ghostwriting partner, Dave Moore, who is instrumental in getting my thoughts out in a coherent manner & into these blogs. Thanks Dave!